804 Untitled [22 June 2007]

awakening from that dream
where inside I find you
breaks the skin just a little more
opening the scars I use to measure
the pain of the loneliness I hide

your words I keep hearing,
echoing on inside the cavern
of my trembling heart
of desire and of companionship
of that one thing I have always wanted

even as I know that its gentle tendrils
shall never reach me in the daylight
I gaze at the memory
hoping that dream will find me
where the darkness lives

flowing on with such grace
I watch the dream reach others
enfolding itself so lovingly
around the shoulders of those
who have forgotten its true name

perhaps it is my punishment
to forever see what I desire
dance upon those who aren’t worthy
of the brilliance and beauty
that is of the world of two

as is my self-infliction
of wounds that tell the tale
of someone who is also unworthy
a punishment that I accept
a brand to seal me

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

Catalyst [18 September 2017]

He was a catalyst,
a breaker of my former expectations;
a dream I didn’t know I wanted.
In my mind’s eye,
I could see evenings outside
listening as he strummed a tune,
sharing a quiet moment before bed.
Laughing as restfulness turned to passion
on a morning bright with promise.
However, he went silent in the water
and I could no longer follow his beacon.
But he gave me so much
in confidence, in enjoyment, in conversation
that I cannot find it in me to feel
anything other than gratefulness
and a sense of sorrowful joy that at least
he was in my life for that moment in time.
Yet still a part of me mourns,
for I will never get the chance to speak his name
to the face I imagined so many times.

Copyright 2017
Johanna Fugitt

802 Reset [23 May 2007]

Within the quiet of this lonely heart,
for though your features are unknown
near to me do I hold you.
Soft within these despairing arms,
this coveted embrace I desire,
whispering to myself of such hope
that perhaps in the shimmering darkness
I might find you existing there.

Terrible in its cruelty,
the night calls to the likeness
that has buried itself deep inside me.
And in the silent black I wait,
certain of my own demise,
pausing in its path towards me,
gently reaching out to take hold;
pulling me down, deep down.

The liquid sky comforts me,
while melodies of such sorrow
offer a soundtrack to my life,
allowing the submergence of my soul
into the peaceful regret
of losing that path I desired so much

That future shall forever be imagined.
Chased after and dreamed of,
as I permit the silence to grow
in the lake of forgotten hope
flooding around the place I lie,
accepting that end I am unable to escape,
even if now I wanted to.

I will seek you in another life,
first love I shall never know.
Perhaps the courage I wish I had
will manifest in my next existence
and I will not fear finding you at last.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

801 Somewhere [05 May 2007]

Like water flowing without end,
I reach for the shore,
only to have it just
out of my reach.
Like searching for that memory
you felt you should remember,
I am lost
within the embrace of my life’s essence.
Flowing towards the sea where I shall sink,
deep into its solitude,
discontent.
Knowing with a certainty that increases day by day
that what I seek to find,
search to hold on to,
shall never be within my grasp.

And just as I thought,
the thing I am told to forget I can never escape.
Thus shall the surprise be withheld,
for that moment,
that glimpse into a future filled by someone else
will not attain existence.
Death doesn’t seem such
a fearsome thing anymore.
It might be the only thing that would hold me tight
within its desperate embrace.

To never have known
a true lover’s touch,
is like a bird that has never known the pleasure of flight.
To never have known
a lover’s breath upon my skin,
will be like a song that has never been performed.

How can I continue?
Revolving in this cycle,
always looking back,
unable to see into the future,
I will remain for there is nothing more for me
than this.
I will disappear,
fade into a darkness
that will feel more real than this.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

799 Death of the Silver Dragonness [23 April 2007]

She will not burn again.
Wings broken,
soul torn,
the silver dragonness
can not imitate phoenix.

Buried beneath the waves,
she will fight no longer.
Sucked into the maelstrom
of a thousand-year fury
suppressed within.
A storm none could stop

Gleaming silver skin,
will rot over shattered bones
until not even they could tell
of the defiance and loneliness once held
within glacial blue eyes.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

798 Drowning [23 April 2007]

I wander in dreams
desperate to see the face
that no longer haunts.
Gone is the promise,
destroyed by the ugliness
living inside the flesh.
The body that shows
just how disgusting
the truth is within.
The choice presented itself,
unconscious, or not,
too far along the path
to ever think of going back.
even if I could.

The softness in the eyes,
the kindness of touch,
the sweet lingering scent,
all will remain unknown.
The path of darkness
keeps me still,
mirrors reflecting the cold,
the bitterness,
the despair.

Where once wings
took me across the dreamscape
soaring over golden fields,
emerald glades,
sapphire lakes no longer,
beneath the waves of
a malevolent ocean.
I pull myself under,
no foreign hand
dragging my legs behind them.
Sinking I gaze sorrowful,
watching the fading light,
the sky no longer captured
in the reflection of
the water that engulfs me.
I reach towards the surface,
a lingering hope drowning
as I cannot break free.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

797 Giving Up [09 February 2007]

It has been the hardest thing,
realizing that this life
was not made for love.
She was not made to fall,
no matter how much
she wished for it to be otherwise,
it will not change.
She will remain alone,
dreaming of a future
that will never come to pass.
Waking in the silence of her room,
filled only with the sound
of her own breathing.
She was not made for love.
She was not given the attributes,
nor the desire to fight
for a thing she knows
she would lose in the end.
She will reach that pinnacle,
the top of that mountain she will stand,
the world spread out below her.
She will remain there,
always by herself.
Her dreams, her fantasies will remain
where they began.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017