747 [23 January 2006]

Discovery can be a great thing;
horizons have expanded because of such.
Discovery can uncover what you dislike about yourself,
what you have your faults in,
what mistakes you have made.
That I could no sooner belong to someone
than to have someone belong to me.
It is something I am not made for.
Even though I wish for it
every day, every moment of my life.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

746 Intangible [18 January 2006]

a nothingness that comes upon me.
It grabs at my feet and pulls me down,
and I delight in its caress,
its quiet silence that leaves the world outside.
Too exhausted with the worries of reality,
I let it encompass me,
fold me over and tuck me into the dark recesses of eternity.
To escape would be enlightening, brilliant,
but the power of this chains me to it.
Like a drug I can’t quit,
its blackness blinds me to any thought of release,
stops the resistance,
mutes the voice of reason.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

745 [18 January 2006]

I feel it tug at me.
Deep in my soul, it pulls,
gentle-like, and then harder.
The darkness wells up again,
its tendrils of black smoke
reaching so perilously for my earthly body.
I want to embrace its cold silence,
punish myself, impale myself on its thorns of sorrow.
But then the light calls to me,
something else that I do not feel I can resist.
Such opposing forces, that tear
at my fleshly embodiment of soul,
causing it to stretch and then shatter.
The darkness is seduction, forbidden desires fulfilled,
painful and pleasurable.
The light is hope, clear and bright,
the happiness that calls to me from my future.
The choice is simple, and yet difficult.
To mire myself in the darkness’s entrapment,
or to bask in the glory of a brilliant sun.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

744 [04 January 2006]

These words dwell in the chambers of my soul,
long withheld in fear of their importance.
Eternity does not yield her cloak,
nor turn her face from Life,
so neither shall I.
Faith, thought lost, shall not betray me
but return to me what I have sought.
Love will not be easy as it is thought to be.
Enduring the trials set forth by life
shall I find all truth within.
Continuing to stand by his side
shall be the anchor of my passion.
From this grounding I can channel forth,
gather my strength for the grueling roads ahead.
I must face all fears and embrace them,
enfold my heart around its writhing tempo,
still the breath that races.
I shall not withdraw words spoken,
only try to justify them and learn,
be educated by the consequences they force.
Instead of chaining myself to fear,
I shall stake myself to this garden of emotion
that flourishes within this heart of mine.
Thus I shall be free to wander
the hallways and chambers of the world.
Henceforth I will call upon his hand of friendship,
so cautiously outreaching,
to clasp it so gently, lovingly, in my own.
It will be here and now
that my life will change.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

742 If I Had to Dream [19 November 2005]

If I had to dream,
raging thunderstorms overhead,
his eyes blazing into mine.
If I had to live,
fingers enmeshed in his,
at his side I would stand.
If I had to see,
the planes of his face
would be first at dawn.
If I had to breathe,
his scent would invade my lungs,
a gasp caught in my throat.
If I had to sing,
my voice would softly harmonize
with the melody of his life.
If I had to taste,
the rough texture of his hand,
I would press lips to.
If I had to die,
the times his arms embraced me
would reign my memories in the afterlife.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

741 Words [03 November 2005]

Words hold so much meaning to them.
We fear them revealing our darkest secrets,
tremble in anticipation at passion disclosed.
We shrink back in terror at their hate,
desperately desire them to fall
from the lips of one we love.
Words are such simple things,
yet they evoke such myriad of responses.
Would that he speak them to me. . .
any at all.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

740 I Should Go [02 November 2005]

I should go,
wander amid the sea of disease,
drown myself in illness.
This I should do.
Thus forgetting my life,
forgetting my health,
forgetting my mind.
My purpose here is unknown,
laundered out of humanity,
tossed aside with no ambition,
no drive to succeed.
Slice the life from my veins,
watch it flow down the drain of time,
so this pain can follow.
Answers are not so clear,
goals wanted but unsure of how to proceed,
thus I stay stagnant,
left here among the murky waters,
forced to face my mistakes
without hope of redemption.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

A Poem [11 July 2017]

Every day my eyes open
to a lonely sunrise.
The awakening reminds me
that the thing I have awaited,
searched for, ached for,
is ever further from empirical truth.

The bond that can be stronger
than that of blood
is merely chemical reactions
to olfactory agitations caused
by the pheromones of another close
enough to meld skin with.

That is all it is.

And while my chemicals react to others,
no one reacts to mine.
Thus each break of day
each time the earth rotates and
brings my geological position
around to view the sun,
I open my eyes to the light
and feel the stone-chipped certainty
settle in the marrow of my bones.

Love, companionship, sex,
are all mere romanticisms
of a scientific reaction in our brains.
And I, in all my societal uniqueness,
have no match in a world
full of six billion.