0024 Derek [1995]

Author’s note: I am keeping the end note, minus the last name of the young man, that I added when I wrote this poem. Yeah, he was my very first serious crush.


 

I should have told him
When I had the chance,
But with my shyness,
I couldn’t get it out.

I’d thought and thought,
I’d rehearsed and rehearsed,
Yet I couldn’t say
Those simple words I had to say.

I knew him two years,
And loved him for two years.
I thought he was wonderful,
I loved him so much.

And now I’ll never see him again,
The one I loved more than any other.
I don’t really know,
But I think he loved me too.

I should have said something,
But me with my fear of rejection,
Kept it inside.
Instead of saying what needed to be said.

So I think he thought
I didn’t like him.
Which was my fault,
Because I should have said something.

I daydreamed about him,
Sang love songs to him.
Without him knowing, of course.
Yet I couldn’t say three simple words.

As the song goes,
“And I’ve learned love won’t wait,
Now I’ve learned that love needs expression.
He’s out of my life.”

I loved you,
Yet I didn’t say a word.
But I loved you,
With all my heart and soul.

This poem is dedicated to a young man I knew. Derek, who was my sun, stars and moon until I left the club I was in with him. At competition, Derek and I went up to receive the trophy. He put his arm around my shoulders and, too drunk with euphoria, I put my arm around him not thinking what he had done. I saw Derek only once after that. I never saw the one I loved again.
Yet I still think of him, his smile and his eyes. They were chocolate brown. So rich with unknown love looking, or trying to look deeply in them.
I miss him so much.

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