0250 My Fault [23 April 1999]

How shall I carry on
With my soul torn to pieces?
Your love I wished for
Foolishly, trustingly.

You seemed so attainable
That I believed it could happen
That I could wake up one morning
In your arms.

Everything I saw in you
Was what I believed I needed.
You seemed to care so much
That I was mistaken.

I released all my inhibitions
Towards your gender,
Believing, once again,
It would make you more attainable.

But as things always do,
The plans I had didn’t turn out.
You merely liked me
As a friend.

And what I saw
As love in the making,
Was only friendship
In a carefree way.

So once again,
The fault was not yours
But mine
As it always has been.

I weep now,
Knowing my fault
And still hoping,
Though I know the truth.

Why do I do this?
I believe so deeply
In my fantasies
That I hope they come true.

I know I should
Pull my head from the clouds.
All my dreams
All false.

I drown myself in anguish
Wishing, hoping, dreaming.
That someone will care for me
The way I need to be cared for.

But as I discover
I should wish, hope, dream,
No more.
For it only brings me pain.

So as I try now
To forget, to ignore
The pain of realization
Is so hard to bear.

My dreams, hopes, fantasies,
Are never to be made real.
Why else am I made to wait,
Made to suffer.

I wallow in anguish,
Terrified of a life alone.
Who could bear such a thing?
I know I can’t.

Even as I try to convince myself otherwise.
I know that every night
I would go to sleep
Crying tears of loneliness.

So I end now,
Still wishing, hoping, dreaming,
That maybe my fate
Isn’t like it seems to be.

About taikodragonjkf

Member of Spokane Taiko. Poet. Karaoke singer. Love cats and baseball.
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