316 All [22 June 2000]

I’ve found within my heart
unspoken emotions that drift towards eternity.
I cannot breathe without you near,
I cannot see without your eyes.
I have been bound to you
by unknown bonds that threaten
to hold on until time is no more.
It is a trap I cannot escape.
It is a world I wish not to.
It seems like a dream,
but everyday proves me wrong
in the essence that you sleep beside me.
You live and breathe near me,
seeking me like I am the thing you desire.
How came I to be here
when all I deserve is so much less?
I will hold on to this good thing that I am blessed with
until the sun dies in its sapphire sky,
until this earth turns to dust.
I will die for you.
I will perish in battle for your love.
Leave me not for I fear
I will crumble without your love to keep me whole.
Let me crash into you.
Let me plunge into all that is you.

315 Sense [21 June 2000]

Feel my body rise,
crushed against you as your hands
run along the curves of my flesh.
Feel my breath against your skin
as it leaves my lungs.
Hear the sound of our bodies together
as we move in the dance of the ancients.
Taste my breasts as they meet
with your questing mouth.
Let the senses guide you
as light is vanished,
save for a sliver of silver moonlight
peeking through the window
to give glimpses of moving bodies.
Hear my quiet cries as your touch
unleashes the fury of my soul within.

314 Reach [14 June 2000]

I reached through eternity to find you.
Love tried to offer its warm embrace,
the home I only dream of.
I was bitten by my own beast within me,
drawing me back into its cold darkness,
suffering painful agonies that tear my heart
into little pieces to be devoured
by the inhuman faces around me.
A world I wish to escape.
My dreams keep me sane, or insane,
however you would look upon it.
I was so close to finding my home,
safe and warm,
but drew back unable to realize
just what I was losing.
The possibility of losing warm nights
spent in his arms,
the mornings when he would reach for me.
The nights when the darkness was filled
by stars, moons and clouds,
no longer pure, solid black, but glittering
with the thousands of candles
of the distant worlds drifting in space.
I love for that which
I fear I can never have.
For it seems an eternity since
I awakened from my prison,
becoming conscious of what lay
awaiting my hands.
I speak to myself on long intervals,
inside,
reaching my consciousness out to others,
trying to fill the void that
has grown ever deeper and wider.
A dark hole that I fear
will pull me in,
to keep me from him whom I seek.
I seek him,
his touch, his smile,
whether his skin tone be vanilla or chocolate,
and anything in between.
I seek his hands,
to feel his skin pressed close to mine.
To have his head nestled in my arms
or his chin upon mine,
to hear his heartbeat beneath my ear.
These things haunt my dreams,
teasing me with the infinite happiness
that seems to be right there
just beyond my reach.
A cry builds within my soul,
a cry that reaches across the vastness
of space and time into dimensions undreamed of,
where thought is substance and flesh is dream.
A cry that is filled with all my agony,
my frustration, fear, hunger, and desire
that is a monster there with a soul of silver.
Still all I dream of, think of, and speak of goes unnoticed
where my reach can only go so far
while the monster that lives within that other place
returns to its pit whimpering,
the echoes of the sobs that tear
through my heart, mind, body and soul,
as I try to reach for you.

313 Thinking of You [07 June 2000]

I think of you,
do you know that?
It’s like looking in the window
of a home you wish to reside in.
Seeing all that could be,
all that might be . . .

Even in the little time we have expressed words,
things in their little way have changed.
The morning a little brighter,
the world around me a bit greener . . .

It’s that strange knowledge,
knowing that someone thinks of me as well.
I went to sleep last night with your words
still painted upon the canvas of my mind.
A sudden rightness came over me.
Glimpses of almond skin and hazel eyes
where I could almost touch the skin,
see those eyes smiling back at me.

Nights spent in your arms
is something I dream of.
Hearing your skin and feeling it move
across my own.
I close my eyes and can almost feel
your muscles slid beneath your skin
as you move over me . . .

312 River [07 June 2000]

I sink ever deeper into this place I have found,
the emotions rage through me like a river,
have begun to be familiar now.
Their crazed journey becoming a well-beaten path
as I feel ever more,
as I wish for you ever more.
I do not understand this wide river,
nor do I wish to.
All I do know is I ride the flow,
let it past the floodgates of my walls
built to keep it in.
But like anything,
walls cannot stand forever. . .
I wake up now,
calling for this angel that has captured my heart,
my body, and my soul.
I long to live in his arms,
drown within the liberty of his embrace.

311 My Day [05 June 2000]

I awake.
Sounds drifting into my sleepy world
as I open my blue-gray eyes to peer
into the morning sunlight,
so sure you were there
when I fell asleep the night before.

But, alas, you are gone,
just like I knew you would be.
Oh, that you were here
to sleep beside me,
to dream while I watched you.
To know the color of your eyes
in certainty when you opened them.
To be familiar with
that early morning sigh of awakening.
To watch your muscles move
as you stretch away morning stiffness.

I open my eyes again in despair,
alone in a queen bed with only pillows
to hold and sheets to slide against my skin.
Your presence lingers here,
only do I see to cats blink up at me,
asking me in their silent way
as to why I am moving,
if it means I will get up.
I glance at the space where you would be
sighing longingly while placing my palm
where you would rest.

I rise and greet the world
with my usual curse,
closing my eyes against a spasm of loneliness
that awakens as well before I shove it back
to where my emotions remained locked up.
Back to that part of my mind
that thinks of you.
I make my way to my place of work,
talking of you to myself of imagined meetings,
kisses of passionate greetings,
your hands on my skin. . .

I return home to my empty abode,
quiet in its solitude,
loud in its loneliness.
I return to my bed where I have the freedom
to walk in dreams and perhaps
meet you there again. . .

310 Seeking [04 June 2000]

Without a sound she slips into sleep,
dreaming of what will come.
Of him,
of his touch,
his smile,
his eyes.
Where are you, lover of mine?
I have waited for you
a thousand years or so it seems.
Moving through this world,
seeking your face,
listening for your voice.
Take me into your heart
and know I think of you,
because I know you think of me,
love of mine.

309 Myself [04 June 2000]

I look out from my silence,
seeking that which seems forbidden me.
I sleep long hours desperately clinging
to that dream of you,
that person I will wake up next to
for the rest of my days.
But as always,
I awake to find my world the same,
never ending in its dreary life.
I walk the same walk I always have,
seeing people on every side of me
linking arms with each other,
caressing skin,
doing things that I only dream of.
I struggle to be myself,
to keep that uniqueness from fading.
It seems that the world tries to define love,
beautiful people versus those of us who
are the norm.
One cannot look to see anything else
but beautiful people and see others hurt,
striving to be that poster guy or girl
on the wall in Macy’s.
I cannot be,
I will not be.
I am me and the world
must accept me as I am.
My lover must accept me as I am.
I may not be perfect,
but I have a hunger that needs to be fed
like everyone else does.
A passion sleeping within me
awaiting the day when it will awaken
to the touch of their seeking hands,
their body against mine.
So I trudge on through this world,
fighting despair while
strengthening my resolve,
awaiting the day when they will come
in to this life of mine.

308 A Dream Oft Unfulfilled [01 June 2000]

if I could reach you,
wherever you may be,
love I dream of,
I would be satisfied.
I am longing,
oh, so longing
for something
to call my own.
someone
to call my own.

I am lost,
oh so lost within
the fictions written
in my mind of love,
of relationships and
on how it should be.
oh, the lot of you
go away.
you preachers,
hunters of sin,
there is no sin,
only a realization
of what is.

I long for the outlet
to let me release
all this pent-up emotion
inside.
for you,
the lover who is
to be of my,
who is to love me,
who is to take me
into themselves.

all that I ask,
is to find
that unmistakable smile
just for me.
those eyes that look
so deep into mine
that I drown
in their depths.
those hands that
would hold me,
touch me,
awaken those pleasures
sleeping within me.

take me into
the solitude of you,
that peace
that resides in you.
I will find my home
there.