362 Foreplay [24 December 2000]

Standing alone,
I look to see you see me.
I move to your side,
my hands reaching for you
to touch you
feel you.
The skin that is yours,
the hair that is yours.
Your breath is like a drug,
intoxicating me with its power.
You smile at me
your eyes glittering,
promising
of nights filled with passion and escape.
You lean down
laying your luscious lips upon my own,
tasting of honey and salt,
sweetness and bitterness combining as one.
I am drawn to you,
breast melting into chest
in a mesh of skin,
stomachs and hips smashing together
in simulation of what will come.
I feel you hard against my lower belly,
causing an intense boiling of desire
reflecting in my core
to release a low sound.
Crash into me
like lightning into the sky,
take me for I am yours.
Lay your hand upon me,
tease me,
caress me,
enter into me.
Fuck me ‘til I can’t calm down.

361 I Will Not Say I Love You [17 December 2000]

I feel a change deep inside
whenever I hear your voice reach me
from across the world.
You have touched me
in ways I can’t explain.
Because of you I feel different.
As morning light invades my slumber,
your name slips past my lips
at least a dozen times per day,
and the very thought of you,
invades my mind ten times that.
I have never seen your face,
nor touched your hand,
but I know you.
I know I will know you
when we meet for the first time.
I love to make you laugh,
to hear it burst past your lips.
I will not say I love you until I am certain,
without a doubt and you stand in front of me.
So many things make me think of you,
so many songs have me wanting you,
here with me.
I know you don’t dance
but I know I’ll make you slow dance in the rain
It’s easy enough.
I’ve said more than I should,
baring my soul to you,
leaving me vulnerable to a hurt
more than I’ve felt before.
I feel you next to me,
sleeping at night yet you’re not there,
though one day I know you will be.

360 Alone [29 November 2000]

I walk through the world alone,
no one to lean on,
no one to love.
All I see around me
is this ever-existing loneliness,
this pain that is never cured,
never understood.
I feel as if I am locked away,
in a cage where no one can find me,
where no one wants to it seems. . .
I have lived all my life with no love,
no one to be there
when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
Some days are easier to get through that others,
I can ignore that pain within me and live normally.
Other days I barely make it through,
existing only on my own.
Tears fall from my eyes
as yet another night passes.
I am still here in this place,
still so lonely that it eats my insides out.
Most days I don’t eat,
for it is the least of anything I worry about.
The three words that haunt me
make their way to my lips
to be spoken with an emptiness in my heart,
“Where are you?”
It echoes out where no one hears
once again I am still searching for him,
for that one,
alone. . .

359 For All You Might Be [28 November 2000]

There are times when I dream of you,
that I wish to reach across the miles between us
to take your hand in mine,
gaze into your eyes,
to see the truth within your soul.
I think I could quite possibly fall for you.
I know who you are and love you
for all you will be, could be, are.
I would love to see the smile
break upon your face like a wave upon the shore.
Strangely I would be content
even with that one sight of you.
Always I have feared that
love would pass me by
but I have a feeling
that asserts itself
within my soul
that I will meet you one day
and you will be everything to me

358 Solo [27 November 2000]

I feel alone,
solo in a world full of choirs.
No faces turn to see me,
no ears hear my song.
No one really sees me at all
or calls to see if I’m there.
At times I feel
as though I don’t exist.
I’m alone,
solo in a world
full of duets.
No harmony is sung
to wrap around my melody,
no arms to hold me close.
No song is sung just for me,
for my ears alone.
No eyes see me
in the way I dream
of being seen.
Sleep is my only escape.
My dreams full of this man
who isn’t perfect
but perfect for me.
My dreams my solace
for the fear
that everyday I wake up with:
dying alone.

357 Within Your Arms [26 November 2000]

The darkness of night surrounds us
like a warm, sheltering cloak.
The silence sweet in its essence.
Here I am with you,
your arms around me,
tight enough to keep me near,
loose enough to let me fly,
your head nestled against mine.
The breath you breathe
warm and cool against my skin.
In this heaven of shadow
I am close to you,
my heart threatening to burst,
emotions building in that chambered life force,
the keeper of all I feel.
Next to you I am sheltered,
liberated as well.
The love you give
nectar of the gods
feeding me
addicting
to the senses
I am clear of mind yet I see
nothing but your smiling eyes.
My nose smells only the essence of you.
My tongue tastes nothing but the saltiness of your skin
My ears hear the resonance of your voice.
My skin still feels your every silken caress.
Every sense I have inundated with all you are,
including the senses of my mind.
As much as I try,
I can’t not think of you
or not remember evenings shared.
Yet still I function without you,
needing you like air, water, food,
living life as normal as is possible,
only knowing you’re here with me.
Questions I ask not,
their purposes not needed
for I already know their answer.
So here I lay next to you as you sleep,
a peace descending upon my soul
knowing you’ll be there,
holding me,
protecting me from the world
and all its troubles.
Certain that my haven
is there with open arms for always.
All I feel for you
can never fully be expressed.
Emotions for you known yet not,
so I close my eyes,
snuggle closer to your warm love,
knowing peace.
Letting your rhythmic breathing
lull me to sleep within your arms.

356 Solace [25 November 2000]

I see you and it is like a thousand suns rising,
you touch me and a hundred sensations run through me.
I can never get enough of you.
The way you smile,
your personality.
It’s like I hadn’t lived before you came into my life.
When I feel lost,
all I want is to be near you.
When the world comes crashing down,
you are there.
There isn’t any other way to say
how much I hunger for the touch of you.
I want to lose myself in all that is you.
I hunger for it,
like food, water, air.
The ways of letting you know
how much you are to me,
are unknown to me.

355 Daydream [25 November 2000]

imagined conversations
afternoon dreams
of a closeness with you
midnight affairs
that never happen

lost among theses fantasies
is my love for you
this ever remaining
emotion that never goes away
only threatens to grow stronger

helpless am I
to stop wondering
to stop my daydreams
from occurring
to stifle these feelings

it’s as if you are here
beside me
I can hear you breathe
see into your eyes
feel your arms around me

futures imagined
lives lived in moments
children made, born, grown
it’s like feeding a stray cat
always returning

I listen to your laughter
to really hear a song
on the radio
the product
of wanting you

imagined mornings
where I pretend
to reach out for your embrace
to lose myself in your eyes
to hear the heart beating within your chest

I can’t shake
all these emotions
and the fantasies
I care not to
which makes it all the harder

will these feelings
leave when you are gone?
will all I dream of
turn into someone new?
or will it always be you?

354 Is It Real? [20 November 2000]

Is there such a thing?
Love, I mean. . .
Where a touch ignites a fire,
a feeling of one within your soul. . .
Where a kiss is like
an electric shock to your heart?
A passion for one person
exploding throughout your body,
where your heart aches endlessly
for the companionship to this lover
like it does when you don’t have love.
Is it real?
Or will I live forever without it?

XXXX Kintsukuroi [21 March 2017]

We are both broken,
you and I,
in different ways.
We hold the pieces of our selves
together with indeterminable will
while working to figure out
how those bits and parts
will fit against the other’s.
It is a process long and arduous
with rewards unknown
and an outcome uncertain.
Yet still we press on,
meshing the fabrics of our lives
with hope that time will find us
guilded with the healing lacquer
that is love and partnership,
binding the shards of our former selves
into something whole.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017


Kintsukuroi (“golden mend”) is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery using lacquer resin laced with gold or silver. Through kintsukuroi, the cracks and seams are merely a symbol of an event that happened in the life of the object, rather than the cause of its destruction. [Source]