in the essence that is love
no one really knows. . .
or do they?
I can’t.
I don’t see it
not here in my life
or anywhere surrounding me.
I see a woman
trying to find herself
as her husband loses interest
in everything but working
I see a friend marrying for a child
but not for love
where is it?
where does this forbidden emotion exist?
not here, not now
I’m just floating in life
seeking that one thing
that would make everything alright
the one person
that would love me
as I would him
but does love exist at all?
does all the poetry
that is written of it
come from reality
or someone’s imagination?
as it does mine.
I do not know what love it
I can’t even touch on it
though I daydream
about the emotion
that I have never tasted
in my entire life
I feel lost
I feel alone
my heart crying out for truth
my soul crying out for its mate
but does all this
talk of soulmates
and true love exist?
or is it simply a dream
that everyone indulges in?
I’m not sure I want to know
the absolute truth
if it does not exist
than why does my chest constrict
in the lonely pain I have always had?
why do tears plague me at night
when I seek the comfort
of my true love’s arms
if he exists at all. . .
if it does actually exist
in this world
then why hasn’t it found me yet?
why haven’t I found him yet?
why do I feel like a fish out of water?
or an eagle caged, facing the open air?
some days I wish I would die
than continue on like I do
sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel
so nights wouldn’t be so hard to handle
because I’m all by myself.
every day I wake up
is another day I go to bed alone
another day I feel longing
constrict my throat
as I see people together
maybe in love
maybe in lust
at this point
I wouldn’t mind either option. . .
just put me out of my misery
put me back I my dreams
so I can at least find love there.
I did once.
I never had the dream again
but the man in it
he loved me
and I loved him
but all I knew of him
was that he was tall,
lanky, and I couldn’t see his face
but I loved him
because he loved me
I wish I had stayed there in that dream
at least there would I have been loved
loved at least once in my excuse of a life
tears fall down my cheeks now
I remember this dream
it was so real.
he loved me. . .
where is he now?
still there in a dream
I’ve only had once

© Johanna Fugitt 2017