423 Confession [25 September 2001]

I wish to confess
of everything I feel inside
from one end of the pit of my soul
to the other
from the first crack in my heart
to the deepest gauge
I cannot fall asleep
until the dawn awakens
the rest of the world
I am lonely
self-conscious, unconfident in who I am
in my talents, abilities. . .
I’ve given up singing
because I didn’t get a scholarship
one of the biggest wounds in my ego
I am told by many
that I’m good
but if I’m as good as they say I am
than why didn’t I get what I needed
to continue in this path?
I barely eat and yet
it looks like I eat all the time
I have no hair that makes me happy
and I cannot stop what it is
that makes me lose it
another death sentence in my love life
who would want a woman whose going bald?
none that I know
everyday waking up is a chore
I want to stay in my dreams
where he is there
the man I dream about who loves me
for everything I am
for everything I’ll be
songs touch me because I identify
“if I can be like that. . .”
I look at beautiful women
wishing that I could have curves like theirs
be desired like they are
be able to wear clothes like they do
smiles that make men weak in the knees
“if I can be like that. . .”
I want the love that happens in songs
and in films and books to happen to me
so at least on that front
I know I’ll never be alone
but where is he?
I don’t want to die alone
it is my greatest fear
I don’t understand racism or
the ability to hate so much
you kill for it
I don’t understand those who fear
everything that is different
from themselves
different is good
hate is horrible
love seems only in dreams
and everyone around me
seems to find it
marry it
and I’m left in the snow
I’m interesting aren’t I?
so why don’t men want me
as I am?
I’m a hypocrite.
I want a man to want me
as I am
and yet I want to be drop-dead gorgeous
so men will want me
or maybe that isn’t being hypocritical
“if I can be like that. . .”
am I not good enough
for anything wonderful to happen to me?
I feel so lost
alone
unsure
“if I can be like that. . .”
what road do I follow?
what path do I take?
where do I go from here
and whom do I trust?
“through your eyes everything’s clear. . .”
if only he was here
and I don’t mean God
I mean someone who actually cares about me
why I cry and will help me on the way
to wherever I go
where is he?
I’m waiting as patiently as possible
though I don’t need him
in my life now
now there’s hypocrisy
“if I can be like that. . .”
why can’t I get it together?
why do I feel like a fish
out of water?
where’s the love that will
carry me home in his arms?
where am I?

 

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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