I didn’t think of you today.
Which is hard enough in and of itself,
especially since I will be sitting by myself,
alone, no music and your name will appear
in my mind like a whisper.
If I could but change who I am,
if I could but change the way I do things,
the why and wherefore,
I would be the one to love you.
But I can’t.
In other words,
I haven’t been able to find the key
to unlock these doors that
shut me off from my ability
to show physical emotion, or physical attraction.
If I could have you anyway, shape or form,
I would have, but unfortunately
I have chosen the path of least resistance.
I’ve chosen the path that will take me
to a different world.
I have chosen the path
where school is most important.
And love and longing, and hope for love
is but a small pan on the back burner,
simmering just behind the one in front,
the larger one in the front,
boiling with rapid haste.
If I could stay in this place and be yours,
I would.
But I fear at what cost.
Could I ever have done it,
I don’t know.
All I do know is that I am scared shitless
by the whole process
and the only way to escape that fear
is to walk the path I know so well.
Thank you for being a friend and
thank you for liking me,
even if it was as only a friend.
I hope the road you walk
leads you back to where you wish to be
and I hope our paths meet again in the future.
Be at peace and never let the good things go
for they are worth their time and weight in gold.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017