640 All Emotion [30 September 2004]

It is this incredible emotion
that is seemingly forbidden to me.
The feeling when I look him in the eyes.
The way everything around me stops like
it is only myself and he that exist.
How my heart pounds beneath my flesh,
my skin aches to feel his touch.
How I want to spend
every waking moment in his presence.
in his arms all the better.
To hold him when he is weak
unable to be the strength that I know.
In his eyes I can see his children,
and what a silly, old fart he will be
when he is seventy.
How can I fathom a world
without him in it?
I feel this for him.
How do I not feel this?
How do I separate myself
from what I want and feel,
when I do not want to or have to?
Can I lose myself in him?
Then again, how do I
get him to see me?
Or does he already?
How do I find this out?
About how he feels for me?
I wish I could read minds.
It would be so much easier to deal
with people if you knew
what they thought of you.
Have I fallen
for something unattainable?
Is this obsession?
Or love. . . ?
All I want is love.
All I want is him.
All I want is to die in his arms,
to sleep next to him,
watching his chest rise and fall
while I listen to the rhythm
of his heart beat beneath my ear.
Life-long loneliness is not an option.
Waking up one day,
choosing between career and love?
Not possible.
Sanity would escape me
if such an instance did occur.
Nothing would be as important
as waking in the solitude of his embrace.
If only I could. . .
How can I attain
that which I seek?
My feet already move
in that direction.
More open am I,
less afraid of my own shadow.
I doubt less the friendship
I have with others.
I want love. I want to be in love.
I want him.
I want to be in love with him.
I want everything
that comes with him.
His sarcasm, ingenuity;
his kind heart, smile, his laugh.
That wonderful laugh
that fills me with a deep warmth inside.
Simply to be around him.
To hear his voice,
whispering beside me,
lulling me to sleep. . .
O Love, where are you?
A thousand years has it been
that I have searched for you.
Why are you hidden away?
Forever has past
while I have waited
for the sound of your voice,
your breathing,
for you and you alone.
The completion of my soul,
the embodiment in him,
who loves me as much
as I am destined to love him.
Several times the possibility
of your existence near me
has occurred to my senses.
So tangible I could taste it.
So close to being apart of him.
Of course, it may all be fantasy,
the truth being so far
that I am blind to it.
Thoughts of the future
have occurred in this mind,
of love, what else?
Of a place where I live, alone,
until I find him decades older,
of how I would die so slowly
in that world of terminal darkness of heart.
The saying goes that if you have waited
That any longer does not matter.
What is a few more years?
Lost among a world of fools
who cannot see that love
is something to cherish,
no matter how many times
you love and lose it.
Love was what you had,
even for a little while.
Take me away,
free me from my cage,
this loneliness of heart.
Love come quickly,
for I fear I shall die
from this constant separation
of my soul from yours.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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