I suppose if I could turn back
the tides that have brought me here,
I wonder if I might.
I might have changed a few things,
begged you not to do the things
that would endear you to me.
I suppose I’m afraid of asking
that next question,
of making that next step,
but it is my problem.
one that I have to deal with.
I will not ask you anymore
if you miss me at all,
not like I ever did,
though how many times
did my heart wish to hear,
to listen to the cadences of sound
that were yours and yours alone.
You were never mine,
so I apologize for any jealousy,
that reared its head in your presence.
I tried to deny it,
but even you could read through
my paper-thin disguise
to which my own eyes were blinded.
You are probably relieved
that I have disappeared,
not to offend but to offer truth
of how the world is,
who in their right mind
would want a person,
such as I am,
hanging on as hard as I did?
How many times have I
wished to call you
and share the experiences
that this new life has given me?
And how many more
will there be when you read this
and know the phone will ring no more
with my voice on the other end?
Perhaps I was blind,
more like I never knew before
the kindness to which
you so bestowed upon me.
That last day I worked with you,
had you just walked out,
it might have been easier.
Believing I wasn’t worth anything
to you or to anybody,
but you didn’t walk out.
There are times
that I wish you had.
More often then not,
I relive that moment
more than I should.
I suppose this is goodbye,
farewell for good.
I wish to see you once more
but I know that some wishes
some desires,
can never be granted,
nor reciprocated.
This is not what I want to do,
and I’ve told you before,
that I never want to let you go
but that damn inner voice
will not quit in its pestering,
begging me to choose a way
tormenting me with what-ifs
that will, of course, never be.
You and I were meant to meet,
though, as much as I wanted it,
we were never meant to be.
I don’t know what purpose
our meeting was,
but all I do know
is that I have loved,
truly loved one man
upon this very earth.
I may find another,
but the thought of you
will keep me warm
until the moment
I will be loved in return
is upon my road to destiny
and probably beyond.
I know that some choices
cannot be changed by your power
but remember in any time
of despair or loneliness,
that one woman,
somewhere across the ocean
will remember and care for you always.
Perhaps that is what you want.
Perhaps that is how
we were meant to part.
I hope life is good to you,
and that you find someone
who will be what you need.
I know now,
that I could never be that person.
How many times,
did I want to reach out
when I felt you needed it?
How many times did I
convince myself that I
wasn’t the one to give you
the solace that I wanted you to have?
If only one more time
could my eyes
glance into yours.
If only one more moment
could be spent
laughing in your presence. . .
If only one more time
we could ride to Whitefish
listening to that damn cd. . .
and I could hear those words
that you spoke that night. . .
If only. . .

© Johanna Fugitt 2017