728 Some Other Time [10 August 2005]

Some other time,
he might look into my eyes.
He would stand in the sun
and I his shadow.

Some other time,
my lips might meet his,
changing my life as it was.

Some other time,
I would choose love over school,
falling into an embrace
sought for all eternity.

Some other time,
I wouldn’t look back,
mourning its loss,
I would only look forward.

Some other time,
my heart would be his,
not lost among the worries
that encompass all my days.

Some other time,
I would know him
as I have dreamed of,
not as a loss unknown.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

725 Freedom [02 August 2005]

The silence here is deafening.
I see through the mirrors of my fears,
reflecting the only truth that is known to me.
Words speak that time will relinquish this hold,
that I shall one day be free of this prison.
I will spread my wings and fly out of these bars,
leaving those chains that bind me to the earth,
that hold me from finding you.
For in the end of all things,
from the days I cannot bear to wake
to the nights where jagged tears
fall through the loud solitude,
to land upon apathetic floors,
it is you whom I have searched for
when I knew not what I sought.
I once believed I would find my place
here among the hills of this land,
but find that I endlessly seek that belonging still.
It is forever with me, haunting me, killing me.
I see my freedom in your eyes,
in the curve of your chin as you lift it
challenging the camera to catch you just as you are.
It is there in the tilt of your shoulders,
the graceful flow of your hair,
the strong line of leg that entrances me once more.
Once I believed I would have to give up everything,
from what I wanted most inside my soul,
to what I desperately desired in the flesh.
In a world of graded enthusiasm I felt I had to let you go.
Let go of that elusive dream that has held me in its thrall
since I know not when nor where it first occurred.
Perhaps I met you one moment in a dream,
or in a quiet trembling of a vision
that whispered its enchantment upon us both
so that we seek something that cannot be
until our eyes meet once again.
Even as the path of my journey is well known,
even as I know how far I must walk
before I reach that place I have sought for so long,
I became lost, twisted and fallen
among the boughs of the forest that grew up around me.
I wandered alone as I always did,
but you met me on this path and I could never stay the same.
There is no earth beneath my feet,
unless you are there to walk it with me.
There can be no ocean,
unless you taste it alongside myself.
There can be no air to breathe,
until you are there by my side.
A tremor rushes up my spine as I look at your face,
shining through the darkness that surrounds me.
It rolls upon me like the waves of the tide,
following the pull of the moon,
that I am whole when with you.
If only this truth could be,
than shall I fall down these caverns
self-built to keep all out,
while the self desperately wishes to be found.
It is then that she wings out,
my pure uncharted soul,
upon wings of glistening membrane,
moonlit metallic in the heady darkness.
And I no longer fall except into your arms.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

724 Ka~yu [02 August 2005]

The glint in his eye,
makes me wish I was a bass guitar.
To feel his fingers play my strings,
so I would sing just how he likes me to
would be something of a dream come true.
The glint on his lip,
begs my own to taste his,
to follow the path of metal
piercing his skin,
lapping at the delicate destruction
that would make me his.
The color on his arms
calls my fingers to trace
the edge of the patterns
so I would know how far,
and how low, they go.
To be the metal in his skin,
to be the clothes he wears,
to color his pigment as my own,
would be rapturous indeed.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

723 No Less [30 July 2005]

The tearing of my flesh hurts no less
than the breaking of my heart.
The crimson rivulets weep down my arms,
expressing what I can not.
I am closed, cut off,
torn from emotion,
desperate for the touch.
The experience of skin on skin,
of arms surrounding me.
To feel something instead of the nothingness
that encompasses my soul.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

721 Help Me [21 July 2005]

I lie in shadows
torn between what’s wrong
and what’s right.
Inside the cage of my heart,
truth begs to break through
the iron bars of my lips.
The key is held in my hand,
but that appendage only answers to pride
and I cannot unlock these chains
that bind me to the threshold of destruction,
to free the two words I beg to cry out.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

720 Cassidy [21 July 2005]

I feel her warmth against my back,
settled along the top of the couch,
hear the popping of the fabric
and turn to catch her red-pawed.
She is there in my dreams
whispering that it will be all right.
Climbs the hill of my hips,
settling there like the blanket
I had when I was seven.
Mornings find her pressed to my side
stretched out with paws against the pillows.
Always there when I cry,
awakening to a human loneliness
that haunts my dreams,
keeps me up all night.
And she is there.
Witness to blow-ups and outs,
seeing in her golden wheat-colored eyes
what I have sought to see in his.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

719 I Will [16 July 2005]

I watch as morning comes,
the light slowly chasing the shadows into hiding
until the sun sleeps once more.
And yet I myself cannot close my eyes,
for sleep would not find me.
Visions keep me as dreams do not hold me,
of moments spent in his presence
fill my mind’s eye.
I must find my way to his side.
It is a painful process I must go through
to be free of the chains that hold me down,
but I will do it.
I will suffer more to be where he exists.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017