681 I Have Changed [28 March 2005]

I have changed.
Even to these sightless eyes,
there is evidence of it.
I used to smile at the small things,
find joy in the way the leaves brush the ground.
I am joyless now.
There is no sunshine that can pierce this gloom,
no bright savior that can save me now.
Like that leaf dragging across the mud-encrusted earth,
through life I am blown.
No sense of direction,
no knowledge of where I go.
Destined am I to forever wander alone.
It is a hard concept to deal with,
the idea of solitude.
I find happiness in only one thing,
though his name I will never speak to his face,
nor shall his voice ever speak mine.
To the depths of my own hell shall I be damned,
trying to feel something, to hear someone call to me,
yet none can break through the glass I have built.
I stare out, these eyes seeing nothing,
although they perceive everything.
Am I that close to a breakdown?
Are dreams of blood running down my thighs
supposed to cause excitement through my loins?
Am I truly jaded?
Is this who I am to stay? Forever?

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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