759 Still Here [06 May 2006]

I am still here.
Still waiting amid the chaos of each passing day.
My emotions seem to be a prelude to
Others finding their own happiness.
I do not deign to claim responsibility,
Just wonder and awe that those I wish for
Seem to find what it is I seek for myself.
But then I do only wish for their happiness.
Still do I await the day when even a tiny bit
Might meander my way,
Blessing me with the knowledge
of what love is truly like.
I may not know what life is,
But I know death.
For each day that I live,
Is another day that I die a little more.
I am still here.
I am still alone.
Locked between hope and reality,
Gazing out into a world full of people,
Only able to see that I still seek
What others seem to find.
I cannot stop the impending tide of sorrow
That floods the plains of my solitude
Each time I see others fall into their destiny.
If only a little would splash upon me,
Perhaps drowning me in what I desire.
Maybe then I would be happy.
Yet still I am here, alone.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

758 Still [05 May 2006]

It is there, still,
quiet in the desperation of my thoughts.
I thought that time and ignorance
would erase its presence,
but it lingers,
like the summer’s warmth,
as autumn turns to winter,
like the scent of perfume on skin.
I thought that I could forget it,
this desire to belong to someone.
Amid the thoughts of my future,
it is there, still.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

757 Storm [02 May 2006]

His gaze of thunder rumbles
throughout the valleys of my soul,
bearing an echo of truth
amid the lightning fire.
Wishing to escape the electric reality,
my eyes turn away
as fear trembles in the afterglow.
Metallic-flavored crimson bursts upon my tongue
as teeth keep my words from answering the call
of his languid desire.
But his winds tear away doubt,
his rain cleanses past transgressions
lightning blinding me to apprehension,
opening me to hope.
I return his gaze with reborn eyes,
skin shuddering in waves of yearning.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

756 [08 April 2006]

I face my days with so much self-doubt.
I wonder if I can make it,
if the day I meet you might come too late.
I don’t know who you are,
nor where you come from,
but I already wish for you.
Time beats down upon me with so much fervor,
down and down I go,
feeling that Time is justified,
that I deserve this punishment.
That if I survive I will be absolved of guilt,
saved from the pains of my solitude.
Though I do not think I deserve any happiness,
and I fight any bit that might come my way.
Which is why I think I may have missed you.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

755 I [07 April 2006]

I’m falling quicker now.
I know that an end does await me,
willingly do I embrace it,
but still fear rides up my shoulders.
Fear that when the end does come,
that I will face it alone.

I walk stone gray streets
in an even darker city
that sings malice throughout the night.
I know that when the night ends,
I will still be alone.
Forever solitary when I wish to be whole.

To say that I have a broken wing,
is to say that I had them at all.
And there is no evidence now of them
if at one time I did have wings.
But as many before me have said,
I’m no angel, and I doubt I ever will be.

I am the tired shore after a long winter,
hoping that the tides will continue to cover me,
perhaps until there is no more.
But then summer comes,
and the sun warms me as it only can
and with crowds upon me, I still feel lonely.

I don’t know how life works.
I don’t know how to find the love that I desire.
I’m lost and I don’t even know where I began.
When I was a child, I kept hoping the truth would come.
I grew up and it still escapes my understanding.
It seems I shall be alone for the rest of my life.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

754 That Moment [24 March 2006]

What is time but the passage of light?
Calculated by the position of the sun on any given day,
Time tells us what to do, when to do it.
If one wished for time to stop its roaring path forward,
Would the day stand still then?
Wouldn’t we all be in stasis, growing no older,
And never appreciating the moment for what it is.
Though through force of thought we cannot stop time,
We can hold a moment cherished forever.
We can live in a single moment.
If only I had that moment to hold on to.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

753 End [14 March 2006]

In dreams I have searched for you.
In reality, so have I done the same.
I have seen glimpses of you,
of who you are and how you will love,
but you have never been more elusive.
I have looked for a decade and more,
and it will end here, now.
I will still wait for you
wherever you are,
but I will not seek you.
You have to find me now.
I will keep my hope alive,
still wishing for you to be by my side,
but I will no longer actively search.
I have to move on,
but my heart and my soul will still be yours,
even if you never find me.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

752 Waters [14 March 2006]

Adrift along life’s waters,
the surface impenetrable,
smooth as glass,
yet no reflection.
Still, calm, hiding all that rages within.
Beyond the façade
there hidden is the tempests,
the storms, the squalls, the downpour
that awaken to breach the unnatural stillness.
Thus am I misunderstood,
for I cannot show the truth
behind these unreflecting waters.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

751 Ache [22 February 2006]

Fearful of regret do I chase away
those things I wish to hold dear to me.
Never-ending does it flow, this cycle,
turning over and over does it continue.
Powerless am I to break this torment,
forever am I fated to feel this pain.
The ache that is felt only when
there is nothing for the heart to care for.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

750 Hiaiko [22 February 2006]

It washes over me like the tide coming in,
rolling me under the waves, pulling me in.
Beginning in my soul, aching so that I cry,
this onslaught of emotion forces me down.
Willingly do I go, following the waters
deep into the cavernous ocean.
The current sweeps me away,
farther from the dear things I know,
yet this heart does not mourn the loss.
The soul cracks under this constant abuse,
the force of pressure pushing against it
deeper down into the depths I go.
Child of sorrow do I breathe in the liquids
filling my emptiness with its heavy weight
until air no longer flows through my veins,
until my heart breathes no more.
This is where I belong, far from shore,
under a sky of shimmering blue,
my life forsaken, my soul torn,
my heart dead.
Here is where I shall rest,
child of sorrow no more.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017