723 No Less [30 July 2005]

The tearing of my flesh hurts no less
than the breaking of my heart.
The crimson rivulets weep down my arms,
expressing what I can not.
I am closed, cut off,
torn from emotion,
desperate for the touch.
The experience of skin on skin,
of arms surrounding me.
To feel something instead of the nothingness
that encompasses my soul.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

721 Help Me [21 July 2005]

I lie in shadows
torn between what’s wrong
and what’s right.
Inside the cage of my heart,
truth begs to break through
the iron bars of my lips.
The key is held in my hand,
but that appendage only answers to pride
and I cannot unlock these chains
that bind me to the threshold of destruction,
to free the two words I beg to cry out.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

720 Cassidy [21 July 2005]

I feel her warmth against my back,
settled along the top of the couch,
hear the popping of the fabric
and turn to catch her red-pawed.
She is there in my dreams
whispering that it will be all right.
Climbs the hill of my hips,
settling there like the blanket
I had when I was seven.
Mornings find her pressed to my side
stretched out with paws against the pillows.
Always there when I cry,
awakening to a human loneliness
that haunts my dreams,
keeps me up all night.
And she is there.
Witness to blow-ups and outs,
seeing in her golden wheat-colored eyes
what I have sought to see in his.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

719 I Will [16 July 2005]

I watch as morning comes,
the light slowly chasing the shadows into hiding
until the sun sleeps once more.
And yet I myself cannot close my eyes,
for sleep would not find me.
Visions keep me as dreams do not hold me,
of moments spent in his presence
fill my mind’s eye.
I must find my way to his side.
It is a painful process I must go through
to be free of the chains that hold me down,
but I will do it.
I will suffer more to be where he exists.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

718 Of Ghosts and Phantoms [05 July 2005]

I am falling now,
and there is no one here to save me.
My hands are bloodied and torn,
but still find nothing to hold on to.
Ghostly fingers rub my shoulders,
phantom arms embrace me.
The yearning has become so stark,
that it fades no longer.
It remains at the forefront,
as does my worries,
compounding the problem.
If I could feel that phantom in truth,
safe would I feel, protected, loved.
If the ghost would touch me in this world,
I could relax, feel cared for.
But they remain ever so,
haunting me, teasing me,
reminding me that I still tumble down
this immeasurable mountain of reality,
that I still reach out endlessly
for that hand to catch my fall.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

716 A Sending of Rain [18 June 2005]

This ache takes away from nothing,
my body pains as it strives to survive.
Will it suffer until his arms
do embrace my willing self?
Or perish in the darkness of loneliness?
This emotion comes from someplace inside.
I cannot fight it nor describe it,
it just is as it takes me over.
Doused in the strong desire
for a thing which I have never known,
I wander along black nights, gray mornings,
comforted in that the day
reflects the torments I have inside.
The sky opens its eyes to rain tears,
the thunder angers through the clouds,
all a mirror of what I feel as it conflicts within.
Send he who shall calm my chaos,
let him take me, love me,
keep me from harm,
protect me from this despair,
fill me until I am whole.
Then shall the clouds calm the thunder,
the sky will stop its crying
to let the sun shine brilliantly
through his eyes.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017