822 Shinjitsu [01 December 2007]

It seems my fate is to always exist alone,
by myself, for myself, and only that.
And therein lies the truth,
I want to love but I don’t know how.
I want to belong to someone,
but no one should belong to me.
I should want to see someone,
but they shouldn’t want to see me.
I can want to talk to someone, hear their voice,
but they shouldn’t want the same.
Because I am not worthy to have
someone who wants all of me.
Thus shall I forever want, and long for,
a love that would complete me,
because I can never be whole.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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821 If Daydreams [30 November 2007]

If daydreams could come true,
then I’d be the one sitting in your room
while your fingers lovingly caressed
the strings of my heart
If fantasies were granted to those like me,
then I would fall asleep next to you
while you wrote the notes of music
that gently awakened the hope within me.
If visions inside my head were to be real,
then I would be the one to see you as you are,
not as who you are seen as.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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820 It’s You [30 November 2007]

It’s you that I want to give my heart to
it’s you that I want to love forever.
It’s you I wish to wake up next to
it’s you I wish to fall asleep next to
it’s you who I long to see
it’s you who I long to see me
it’s your voice I want to hear echo in my head
it’s your smile I want to match with my own.
It’s you I wish to defy fate for
it’s you I wish to find me in the darkness
I knew it before and I know it again
would you forgive me if I told you that
it’s you who awakens the hope within me?
Would you forgive me if I told you that
it’s you who brings the best out in me?

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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819 Dreams [27 November 2007]

I want to disappear in dreams
escape these fathomless emotions
that torment me when I try to forget them.
I do not understand why I must feel
why I must yearn for something, someone
who I cannot want.

Take me into the arms of that vision
that place where I am with someone
who cares for me in return.
Let me follow them into the endless night
let me forget to breathe
so that I may continue on in stasis
lost among those dreams that promise me
I will find what it is I seek.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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818 [20 November 2007]

The darkness outside blankets the cold
in an atmosphere similar to a summer twilight
trees heavy with snow appear thick
with blossom not unlike that of sakura
gazing upwards through those hollow boughs
the sky glows effervescent
a crossing of time and space tangled
in the intangible grip of one whose words echo
those things inside that fester in solitude

a hand stretches endless in the frozen night
fingers flexed around the spinning moment
embracing the time bound by invisible cords
released with a breath of mist
it trembles as it is held vibrant still
reckless in its race towards the dawn

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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817 [14 November 2007]

These tears fall free
from the captivity of the page
drifting crystal through the sunlit room
following dreams that haunt me
with ghostly images reaching out their hand
beckoning me to come to a place
I know not of.
Unable to walk beside them
to feel their skin beneath the palm of my hand
desperation sets in
seeking an available host
to place those lost dreams on
I falter again
stumbling after their echo
gaze determined to still see their form
even as it fades into the shadows
cast by the lonely lamp hiding in the corner

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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816 Just Once [31 October 2007]

Just once.
Just once, that’s all I ask.

I want a direction for this emotion.
I want a focus,
something to branch out from.

I want a smile in the morning,
a smirk in the evening,
and a laugh in the middle of the night.

I want to breathe in
the smell of the one I love,
know it from the incense,
know it like I know my own heartbeat.

I want that warmth of his body,
feel it as it lays next to me,
touch it as he gazes at me
eyes full of that something only for me.

I want his voice to speak to me,
quietly concerned with my well-being,
thick with his own emotions,
rising to reprimand me.

I want to feel it all.
I want to feel it even if time
deems our paths should part.

I want to know it.
I want to know what it is
that makes people eloquently express
what it is I know nothing of.

I want his breath upon my face,
his lips against my neck,
his body locked with mine.

I want his quiet companionship,
his solid support,
his deepening bond.

I want something to prove
that my dreams are real,
that the truth lies in his eyes.

I want something to prove
that he is possible,
that my years alone
meant he was waiting for me.

I want something
that will prove me wrong,
that I do deserve whatever it is
I feel I have been denied,
forbidden to be apart of.

I want someone to finally return
what feelings I have for them,
not to fall into the endless darkness
as I force myself to give up
when he finds what I sought for myself.

Just once, that’s all I ask.
Just once.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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815 Sibilance [22 October 2007]

Silence is the sound that screams
in the dark, debilitating deep of night.
Stretched thin, scorched skin,
blinded by the brilliant birth of morning,
tired, trapped and terrified of the song
crashing cataclysmic upon the shore of the soul.
Falling, flailing, failing,
desperate to deafen the chords
sweetly serenading the mind.
Love’s lies linger on,
tenderly, trustingly whispering
promises that prey upon the weakness of heart.
Forgive me, forbid me, flay my soul,
tenderly entrench these tears
in the deep, darkening embrace of your sin.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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814 Send Someone Else [09 October 2007]

In the vast deep of my mind,
I see myself in what I thought
I never would have wanted.
Yet, it is also what I
have always wanted to have.
I want to see a bond born
just as it always has
between man and woman.
I want to be the partner,
the support, the coach,
and certain am I
that will never happen.
In those positions opposite of me,
all I see is his face, his form.
In the corners of my mind,
I want to see him there,
for some unwanted emotion
is attached whether I want it to be
or whether I don’t.
I cry to those who control fate
to those who speak and things change,
wanting another face to use,
for he can never be mine.
I already know that truth.
Send someone else, someone real,
as real as he is,
for I’ve had far too many
of the imaginary entrapments.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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813 Promise and Hope [08 October 2007]

Aware and not,
certain, but not,
I wait in this place
eyes seeing the world
as something wonderful
something promising.
Inside the view is different.
The world is something terrifying
something unforgiving.

His voice changes tone,
soft, gentle, filling a void unknown.
Fear rises within,
horrified at walking that same path
that led to nowhere before.
Hope begins to open its unseeing eyes,
sending out a query
only to receive a forced silence.
The self is at war,
painfully stamping down the shields
trying to restore the calm that was,
while rising in wakefulness.
He questions me,
is there anything you would miss
if you left?
I cannot tell him that the answer
is yes and is no.
Yes would bely all that I still feel,
No would insure the separation.
He continues asking,
and I continue answering.
Belief that there was nothing left,
I tried to move on, succeeded a little,
frightened that I might turn back.
Half of me smiles in promise,
half of me frowns to deny
anything I would wish to believe again.
Would he understand if I pulled away,
would I let myself go?
Terror that something more
could begin to simmer underneath it all,
terror that I might actually let myself care.

He has seen me at my worst,
called me on it,
then allowed me time to recover,
accepting the hand once more
that I held out from behind my wall,
understanding me more than
I think I understood myself.
Will I finally open these gates
that keep me from believing,
or will I ultimately cringe backwards,
locking them from further intrusion?
Even I do not know the answer to that.

© Johanna Fugitt 2017

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